Sunday, February 1, 2009

Train Ride Robbery

It was time to start our long journey. A clamor could be heard but it was only from the sounds of the wheels and gears starting to turn on the underbelly of the train. There were a lot of noises coming from people finding their seats and running after young ones. No one noticed them but me.
Two men with a furtive look to them were walking down the hallway of the train. One was tall and seemed gaunt while the other was short and stout. Each man eyed the cabins of the train as they walked by each passing glass door. They seemed suspicious and made me keep my eyes on them. As they walked, they looked like they were planning a collusion with serious countenances. My attention focused on the two men for quite sometime until a loud guttural made me jump and realize that I’d been staring. One of the conductors on the train was standing above me as I had managed to peak around the corner of the door to our cabin.
“Tickets please.” The man in uniform asked. I handed him my ticket and my mothers since she was already asleep for the long ride.
We were on our way to New York City where my grandmother would be waiting for us to arrive. Train was the only choice we had from our small town of Mooresboro since our car was so old it wouldn’t be able to handle the long ride north. The train ride would be about 4 hours until we arrived in New York, so my mother and I planned on sleeping for some of it.
The conductor took our tickets and punched two holes to mark our two way ride and then continued down the train. After he left I curved my head back around the door to see if the two men were still there but they were out of sight. I shrugged and decided not to bother. I sat back down and opened the book my mom had been reading. However, as much as I tried to concentrate on the book I couldn’t keep my attention. My mind kept buzzing with what those two men could have been looking for or wanted. I checked my watch. We had only been riding for 14 minutes so I decided to take a walk along the train. I left a note for my mother telling her I had left that way she wouldn’t think something awful happened to me while she had been sleeping. I promised that I would be back in an hour or so.
Since the men had gone up the train towards the engine, I decided to go that way too. Walking by all the doors, I passed many different types of people. Some small families with little children playing in their parents laps, others like old men just sitting reading newspapers. I had just reached the car where lunch was being served and people were enjoying their meals, and I scanned the room for anyone that looked like the two men or anything that could give me an inkling of why they were so suspicious. And then I saw him. The shorter of the two was creeping up to a woman with her seat turned away from him. I stood behind a planter nearby that way he wouldn’t see me watching. Her purse was on the back of her chair. As the woman went to take a bite of her food, thus making her back separate from the chair, the man grabbed her bag without her even noticing. I looked around the rest of the cart and no one else seemed to notice that he had just robbed that benevolent looking woman.
I looked back at him from where I was and he was just casually walking out of the room. I was about to tell the woman that a man had just stolen her purse but I decided to keep following him and see if he committed more acts of avarice. I kept my distance behind him so as not to give away my detective acts. The chubby man scanned the other cabins like before. He came to a halt at a particular one. He looked side to side to make sure no one had been following him. I jumped into the closest room before he saw me. I came out when I thought he hadn’t noticed. He had gone into the cabin and had been rummaging around someone’s things since the owner or owners weren’t inside. I glanced through the glass window door. He was taking the goods deftly and with swift legerdemain.
He came out of the cabin with his hands full of stolen goods. I hid again and the stout man ran down the train. I followed him again and this time he met up with his partner in crime who also had his hands full of things that definitely wasn’t his. I had to tell someone about this. I watched for awhile more to see where they were putting the goods and I noticed them put them in an empty cabin.
I started walking my way back to where my mother was so I could think about how I could tell someone about the two kleptomaniacs. I was almost to our room when I heard someone yell, “All my things are missing!” An old woman was coming out of her room and looking for a conductor. The same one that punched my ticket came over.
“What seems to be the problem miss?” The worker asked.
“Someone has stolen all my things!” The old lady yelled.
“Do you know anything about this?” I was asked by the man in uniform.
“I do! I saw two men steal things from other people.” I explained to the two adults about how I saw the two thieves go into cabins and take what isn’t theirs.
After describing the two men we decided to find them and catch the two men. Luckily we found the thieves in the act. When we caught them, they told us how they were planning on taking the goods to a shelter where they would give out the goods to those who were less needy. We concurred that they were fibbing and put the conductor in charge of punishing them.
“Save your lies.” The conductor said somewhat deriding him. He made them give back all that wasn’t theirs and they were sentenced to lock down in one of the first cabins until we arrived in New York.
The old lady thanked me for being suppliant and very altruistic. I said it was no big deal but realized what I had done was something I would never think of doing back home. I walked back to my cabin to find my mother still sleeping. Only an hour left and we’d be at grandmas.

8 comments:

Juliette said...

Author's Notes

I would like my reader to get the message across to them even though so far it hasn't been developed completely yet. It took me awhile to get a story line going but once I imagined the senario and characters, the story was fairly easy to write. I definitly know that my setting could use some work and making sure that the plot makes sense and flows along. For those reading my story, it would be very helpful if you could look out for confusion or just story parts that make sense. Everyone's ideas seem different in their own heads than on paper. :)

Nicole x C said...

The conflict of the stroy was that on the train ride to new york, two men were stealing items that weren't theirs. The conflict was externaml. It was resolved when the main character followed them to make sure they wouldnt steal more. Then the conducter askes him about it and he told them all about the thefts. I was pretty invested in the story. To me it was very interesting.Something that could have made the story more dramatic was somebody confronting the theaves with more attitde about the problem. Or the lady could have screramed when her things were stolen.

The portagonist does not change over time, but in the story he does act very brave, so if i knew that he was a worry wart, or a scardey cat, i would be able to see change. His great insight was about stealing, and how bad it is. Also how much pain it could bring to somebody knowing that all of their things are gone. I dont think the story would be much different if the character didnt change, because i dont think he did. But if he changed, maybe juliette should make sure that is very clear.

My favorite part of the story was when the main character was following the criminals to catch them in the act. This occured during the rising action. A line that i really enjoyed was, "I kept my distance behind him so as not to give away my detective acts." haha i thought that was cool, just the way you put it. I like how it seemed so artistic. ;)


I think what this story needs is more tension. I really liked this story but if it becomes more dramatic i would be more interested to see what happened. I would also like to see more adjectives or verbs.

One thing i would give as advice was to develope the character more. Since its told in first person its harder to do, but maybe you should include bits about his past or something?

Nick said...

The conflict of the story was internal, because she had to find out what was in her best interest to do about the stolen handbag. In the end, it was resloved by the man being caught and kept until they reached NY. I was invested in the ending because it was good, it really caught my attention and brought it down slowly.
Its not so much that the protagonist changes but, that her decisions and thoughts change with the story.If she didnt change, than there wouldnt be an ending to the stroy. If she didnt change there would be no conflict to solve at all.
My favorite part of the story was the ending. I know that sounds mean:) but its because it really gave me a sense that the story was wrapped up and the conflict was no longer a conflict at all. Because the story was solved in a nice way, it made everything way more cheery.
Overall i believe that the stories best quality was that it really showed her as a detective when in reality she wasnt. I believe that you need to be a good author to portray yourself as something that you truly are not. "I kept my distance behind him so as not to give away my detective acts." this is a great quote because it shows shes not a detective, but she is being just like one.
One thing that I found problematic was...well i really can not find anything, i know im supposed to but ill take a hit on my grade cause i really cant.
I believe that the one thing that you should revise before Mr. B-G checks it out is the spelling.. or punctuation.. maybe.

Abby said...

1.) The conflict of Juliette's story is that the protagonist catches two thieves in the act during a train ride to her grandma's. It was external. It was resolved by the conductor repremanding the criminals. I was invested in the resolution of the conflict. The story could have been more dramatic if the narrator had tried to confront the thieves themself.
2.) The protagonist changes over the course of the story because at first they are timid about following the thieves and at the end they speak up and tell the conductor. Their epiphany is that the thieves are stealing and doing something wrong. The story would be different if the character doesn't change because the criminals might not have been caught.
3.) My favorite part of the story is when the protagonist starts following the criminals. It occurs in the rising action. " The shorter of the two was creeping up to a woman with her seat turned away from him. I stood behind a planter nearby that way he wouldn’t see me watching. " This stood out to me because it had good description.
4.) The tale's best quality was how it progressed. Juliette did a good job of timing the story in such a way that it didn't go along so fast. It also didn't move too quickly. It was also pretty realistic, it sounded like something that could actually happen on a train.
5.) In my opinion, the story's theme was something like 'go with your instincts.' I think this because the protagonist felt weirdly about the two criminals from the beginning. Then they go looking for them because they are so curious.
6.) I think that Juliette should just proof read once or twice before she puts her final draft out. Otherwise i can't really find anything wrong with it. it is very well written and an original story and a good realistic plot.

love ya Julietteee!

Katelyn L said...

1.The conflict of the story was that two men were stealing goods from people on a train New York. The conflict was an external conflict. The conflict was resolved by a women finding out that all her stuff was stolen and tracking down the men that stole them. In the end they caught the two guys and all the goods were returned. Something that would make the story more dramatic would be to make the narrator get captured by the two men.
2.During the story the protagonist didn't change much but in the begining she is passive and doesn't want to tell any one what she has seen but at the end she is assertive and tells the conductor what has happened. But during the whole story she is very brave. The change is important to the story because if she went and told someone she may not have been able to prove that they stole things. The story may have been longer and no one would have caught the guys if she didn't change.
3. My favorite part of the story was when the protagonist saw the thieve steal the womens purse. This occured in the rising action." My mind kept buzzing with what those two men could have been looking for or wanted." I like this line because I tliked how you described that your mind was buzzing.
4.Over all I thought the best part of the story was the detial. She described everyting in a very creative way and it was really clear.
5. The theme of the story is never to anything you will get introuble for because you will get caught.She lets this develop by showing how stealing is not a good thing and the guys that were stealing the goods in the end got caught.
6.One thing Juliette could do would be to develop the main charactor a little more but over than that i though her story was great!

Hannah P said...

The conflict was that two men in the story were stealing goods and being kleptos. It was an external conflict because it was the charcter against the men.I was really interested in the resolution because I didn't know if they were goignt o get away with it or get caught. I think it would ahve been more dramatic if the main charcter caught the thieves first.

The protagonist doesn't really change over the coarse of the story but if she did change then the story might've turned out differently.

My favorite oart of the story was the ending. I liked the last line at the ending because through all the crazy stuff that happened on the train the ending kind of just wraps it up with everything done and they just had to get to grandma's house.

"I walked back to my cabin to find my mother still sleeping. Only an hour left and we’d be at grandmas."

My favorite thing about the story was the plot. I liked the whole idea of the story. i also liked how the author engaged the reader and kept you guessing "what's gonna happen next?"

I think the author needs to be a little more descriptive. But other than that I thought it was well written.

Juliette said...

Vocabulary Words Used

clamor-noun,a loud noise. Clamor described the noises on the train.

furtive-adj., sly and secret.
This described how the men looked and acted as they walked.

collusion-noun, a secret agreement. This described what the two men looked like they were doing and talking about.

gaunt-adj., thin and bony. One of the men looked thin compared to the other.

countenance-noun, facial expression. The two men had memorable expressions that made them look serious.

guttural-noun, a noise that comes from the throat. I used this term to describe how the conductor was asking for the protagonist's attention by making that noise.

benevolent-adj, kind. This described how the lady being robbed from seemed from far away.

deftly-adverb, with skill and ability. This is how the thief took the possessions on the train.

legerdemain-noun, skill. This also described how the thief stole the goods.

concur-verb, to agree. The characters in the story agreed towards the end of the story.

suppliant-verb, to be modest. The main character told about the two men instead of not speaking up.

altruistic-adj., unselfish and helpful. The main character was called this after helping to catch the thieves.

deride-verb, to mock. The conductor mocked what the furtive men were doing.

stout-adj, strong in structure. The man looked stout from his looks.

Juliette said...

The biggest change I made to my story was adding some more descriptive language and making the story flow better.

I found that the feedback worked the best for me to edit my story because people gave me straight up comments about what they thought could use more work or they found confusing, etc.

I think the greatest strength of my story is the attention it grabs in the introduction and the conclusion. The conclusion really sums up the whole story and sort of brings it back to where it started and I think that it's a good way to end a short story.

I advise next years to really use the feedback and words from fellow students and really taking the time to edit your story. This was a big help to me for getting a better grade and just making my story better overall.